Five weeks
remain until Andrew and I expect to meet our baby face to face, yet already I
am experiencing Mommy Guilt for all the things I shoulda/coulda/woulda done in
my pregnancy to prepare both myself for Mommyhood and our baby for the world.
I’m thinking, Seriously? This baby isn’t even born yet and I already feel like
a bad mom with all these nagging regrets.
I should
have been eating healthier for the baby.
I should
have been exercising more to prepare for delivery.
I should have
written those loving letters to our child for him/her to read when he/she is
older.
I should
have been praying more for our baby’s future, health, and a heart that loves
the Lord.
I should
have journaled more about this life-changing experience.
I should
have been in my Bible more, preparing my heart and life to be an example to our
child of faith in Christ and obedience to God.
Sigh…and it
begins. The pressure to have it all together, to stay on top of all those
ideals and values and goals, while at the moment still juggling a full time
job, keeping up with the house and bills, meeting my husband’s needs, and still
trying to be the friend and family member to the many who probably believe I
fell off the face of the earth after April 16th, 2011. Oh, and coping
with the ups and downs of pregnancy.
I don’t mean
to complain. But I don’t want to be fighting this Mommy Guilt Monster all my
life. Sometimes I wonder why God chose now to give us a child, because I feel
so unprepared. I’m not the woman of faith and discipline that I want to be. God
has so much work to do in me yet! How can I be the right kind of Godly mother
that raises up a generation that loves and fears and obeys God with all their
heart, when I feel so far from that point in my own life?
Thankfully,
I’m not alone. I have a God who sees my beginning and my end, who looks at me
and sees the glorious reflection of Himself rather than my shortcomings, who
has a perfect plan to grow and teach and use me for His glory in my vocation as
a wife and mother. Praise Jesus I don’t have to have it all together! Although
there will always be those nagging thoughts and anxieties about my
effectiveness in raising healthy Christ-like children, the Holy Spirit is able to do far more than
this earthly Mama can do. I’ll just have to remind myself of that….every day
for the rest of my life!
“…And He
said unto me, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect
in weakness.’ Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that
the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 1 Corinthians 12:9
