Saturday, August 23, 2014

Gestation Frustration

It's easy to praise God and gush forth warm-fuzzied sentiments about Him when things are going well or He answers our prayers in the way we desire. But when His answer is "No" or "Not yet", hmmm...the challenge to trust Him completely, to surrender my so-called "rights" and yield to His plan without rebuttal, kicks in.

Today I am 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant with our second child, a girl. Ever since the 38-week mark I've been itching to hold this little one on the outside...and let's face it, I want my body back to normal. And despite my head knowledge that 40 weeks is just an average gestation and not an expiration date, I've had a hard time accepting the mantra "She'll come when she's ready." Part of my anxiety stems from not wanting to pay for the expense of a biophysical profile ultrasound at 42 weeks (coming up Tuesday) to check on baby while we await her arrival...and of course, I don't want to be induced!

The feelings of "I'm going to be pregnant forever!" are absolutely true and so very real at the final stage of pregnancy when baby could come any day and Mom is trapped in the non-stop mind games of playing out scenarios in her head of when and how she'll go into labor and birth her baby.
And alas, she waits. And waits. And waits. And....waits.

I have begged God to send my body into labor today. Tonight. Tomorrow morning. I've pleaded. Whined. Complained. And even angrily asked, "WHAT is so important about me NOT birthing this baby yet?!"
And...still, nothing.

It was this morning when I woke up for the hundredth time with a tight back, achy sides, and sore hips that I finally realized the need to stop fighting God and just accept that HE will bring her into this world at HIS appointed time.  It was 5:45 am. I hobbled downstairs for the umpteenth time to go to the bathroom. Andrew was up getting ready for work and asked how I was doing, and I confessed my discouragement: "I know God knows just feels like He's punishing me or holding out on me. Like I need to get to a certain point before He'll make labor happen. I don't understand why He's waiting so long."

I grumpily went back to bed and minutes later heard Andrew's footsteps on the stairs. He sweetly knelt next to me and asked why I felt God was "punishing" me. I elaborated. He responded by reading scripture out loud from the Bible. As I heard God's words falling gently on me, I felt a sense of conviction accompanied by His peace. I confessed to Him silently that I had been butting heads with Him, insisting I knew when and how would be a good time for me to have this baby better than He did, and insulting His loving care for me by whining for lack of getting my way. I asked Him to please, please help me surrender this pregnancy to Him and to leave this baby girl's arrival in His hands once and for all. As I silently prayed and soaked in God's Promises and Truth, Andrew gave me a long and relaxing back rub. That helped a bit too :)

My circumstances haven't changed. I'm still achy and tired. Still waddling and uncomfortable. Still pregnant...and still wondering when the hour will come. But I know that I need to praise God in ALL things. To trust Him in ALL things. And to wait on His timing in ALL things. Soon enough, this baby girl will come. And prayerfully this Mama will have a good attitude and trust in her Heavenly Papa until then!

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